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Grief and Guilt
September 8, 2021
Guilt is often a common theme as people grieve. Guilt may be defined as remorseful awareness of having done something wrong or a perception of having done something wrong or failing to have done something. Guilt can be a normal part of the grieving process, but sometimes we can be overwhelmed by it.
There are many kinds of guilt –
Death causation guilt (directly or not directly responsible for death.
Illness-related guilt (wishing the person dead)
Moment of death guilt (not being there when the person died)
Role Guilt – (what I ‘should have’ done for this person – should have known they were sick)
If-Only (or Failure) guilt -stemming from the belief that the bereaved survivor could have done something to have changed the course of the illness/death. If only I had …..
Moral Guilt (Karma)
Guilt by Proxy – take on the guilt of another person (a son murders his girlfriend and shows no overt guilt, so his mother carries the guilt for years)
Survivor Guilt (outliving our loved one)
Inducing Pain in others guilt – (Watching others grieve – parents watching their children grieve)
Relief guilt – when a person who died had caused a great number of problems during their life.
Benefit guilt – when the death of a person we loved is followed by a benefit e.g., inheritance.
Grief guilt – not thinking about the person enough/visiting the grave.
Unmentionable guilt – a secret that is believed to be too terrible to utter e.g., criminal activity
‘Getting better’ guilt – feeling good about enjoying life or feeling better.
So, what can help us through guilt?
1. Focus on the positives in the relationship – how are you grateful for having the person in your life, what did they teach you and what are some moments that produced joy and laughter?
2. Thought stopping disruptive thoughts – noticing the thoughts when they come and then mentally thinking STOP or acknowledging the thought and instead of engaging with it turn your attention to what you can see, hear, feel, and smell.
3. Self-forgiveness – what would it take to forgive yourself? Maybe write a letter to your loved one asking for forgiveness.
4. Best friend approach – what would you say to your best friend in this situation? Try treating yourself like you would your best friend.
5. Role taking – live the next 5 minutes of your life ‘as if’ you were guilt-free, what would it look like.
6. Guilt inventory – list things you would have done differently. List how you were doing your best. List some things you know now that you didn’t know then. Accept the reality of what you can and cannot do.
Sometimes its helpful to talk this through with someone, maybe a trusted friend or family member. Sometimes you may wish to speak to a professional about your feelings, the Southern Highlands Bereavement Service can provide support and understanding as you work your way through these feelings. Contact us to make an appointment on 48621701 or email on [email protected].
(Information adapted from Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement, and writings by Bob Baugher)