Grief – many ask how long will this last? When will I feel better? A trite answer is ‘how long is a piece of string,’ and the truth is there is no short answer – it takes as long as it takes. It would be nice to think we can work through ‘stages’ and get to the other side and package it up and mark ‘done’ on the top. But the reality is grief cannot be nicely packaged up, and sometimes just when you think you are on top of things it may come and greet you again in an unexpected way.

Sometimes it feels like others are wanting us to move quickly through our grief – often because they feel helpless in watching the pain of the one who is grieving and may not know how to help. Finding someone who will just listen and not avoid talking with you about your experience can help. It may feel like everyone else has gone back to “normal life” and you are still sitting with your grief.

The first year without your loved one can bring challenges of the milestones without them – first birthday, anniversary, Christmas etc. Preparing for those days can help – working out what you need to do to honour the person and care for yourself can help you to feel you have some measure of control.

Grief can also be triggered by other losses and the recognition of secondary losses, for example loss of security, loss of future, loss of identity. Songs, smells, and places can also trigger your grief, and some days and times of day may feel more difficult than others. Sometimes it will feel like you take two steps forward and five steps back. The roller coaster experience of grief can be chaotic, but most people learn to slowly cope with their grief. It may feel like the pain of the grief will never end, but most people find the intensity and feelings of overwhelm usually start to lessen with time.

For some people grief can leave them feeling stuck and they may find it difficult to function on a daily basis, have disturbed sleep and eating patterns, or maybe rely on alcohol or other drugs to help them cope. Seeking help from a professional in these instances rather than trying to go it alone can help. Talk to your GP and/or seek counselling is a good first step. The Southern Highlands Bereavement Care Service offers a safe space to talk through your experience with an understanding counsellor trained in grief and bereavement support. Self-referrals are welcome by phoning 48621701 or emailing us on [email protected].

(Adapted from information from www.cancervic.org.au)