Often people come to counselling with expectations and thoughts about how they should be grieving. They may feel they are not doing ‘grief right’. But what is the ‘right’ way to grieve? Everyone is different, and so we will also grieve differently. Here are a few myths and facts about grief that may be helpful.

MYTH: Ignoring it will make the pain go away faster.

Fact: Trying to ignore the pain of loss may make it worse in the long run. Finding a way to express feelings in a safe place – maybe with trusted friends or family, through creativity or even professional help, is important in caring for yourself at this time. Balance is important – dipping into the grief but then being able to dip back into life or thinking about other things is a way to find this balance.

MYTH: If I don’t cry, I’m not feeling sad enough about the loss.

Fact: While crying is a normal response to loss it is not the only response. There are many feelings that may accompany loss, such as sadness, anger, fear, relief, guilt, and regret. Our feelings will stem from the relationship we had with the person who died. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and express it in a way that is best for you.

MYTH: I should be strong in the face of loss.

Fact: Expressing our feelings, crying, and talking about our loss is not a sign of weakness, rather it often takes a lot of strength. Sometimes others around you may not know how to best support you or how to allow you to express feelings without trying to cheer you up, but that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with the way you are feeling. Being honest about how you feel may help others understand better and maybe find ways to help support you.

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.

Fact: Grief has no timeline – it is different for everyone, and the loss experienced. It is not a simple or orderly experience, and the loss will be part of your life from now on, even though the feelings will change in intensity over time.

MYTH: Women grieve more than men.

Fact: All people grieve differently regardless of gender. In general women are often viewed as more demonstrative of emotions and men may erroneously feel it is unmanly to cry even though they may want to. People will process their grief differently and express it in ways that feel right for them.

MYTH: Friends can help by not talking about the grief.

Fact: It is often difficult for those who are grieving to find someone who is willing to listen to them talk about it. Friends can help by allowing the grieving friend to talk about their experience without feeling the need to fix things, but just listen. Sharing their own memories of the person who died and asking open ended questions can help the grieving person feel safe in expressing themselves.

 

MYTH: People struggling with grief just need to get over it.

Fact: ‘Just get over it’ and ‘move on’ are phrases that are quite unhelpful for those who are grieving. Sometimes the person may need professional help to work through their grief. It is not a matter of ‘getting over it’ or ‘letting go’ of the person who died, but about finding a new way to feel connected to the person as you find a way to move forward into this new changed life, and this may take some time to work through.

If you feel you may need some help working through your grief, the counsellors at the Southern Highlands Bereavement Service can assist you. Call or email to discuss your needs on 48621701 or [email protected].