There is no single solution and working with a therapist can be a big help. But on your own, you may find some of the following helpful.

1.    Acknowledge the loss. Often these losses are not fully recognized by others. It is important to remind yourself that these are real and valid losses, even if they are not death-related losses. If you find yourself comparing losses, immediately shutting down your emotions by saying “it could be worse, I should just be grateful”, give yourself space for your feelings. Yes, it could be worse. And yes, you are also still experiencing something devastating that you are allowed to acknowledge and feel.

2.    Practice dialectical thinking. As humans, we can be very black-and-white thinkers. We categorize things as good or bad, or right or wrong, when often things exist in shades of grey. Two things that feel contradictory to one another can both be true. It can be helpful to practice holding two truths at the same time, being open to the idea that there are many lives worth living. Even though you may not be living the life you always imagined and hoped for, that doesn’t mean it can’t have joy and meaning. 

3.    Control the flow (or flood) of information. Imagine that your child suddenly receives a diagnosis of a chronic illness that will undoubtedly change the direction of the rest of their and your lives. What do you do next? If you answered “take to google and spend every waking hour in an internet black hole reading every medical journal article, personal blog, and reddit thread you can get your hands on” you’re perfectly normal. In the face of fear and uncertainty, we desperately seek information. Unfortunately, this quest for answers is not only overwhelming to your system in every way, but it often presents you repeatedly with information and stories that violate your concept of yourself and your child and your imagined future. Though this can feel impossibly difficult, try to ease yourself in to this new reality. Take in information in small dose, with time and support.

4.    Explore your personal ideals and fears. Go back into your own history and consider messages you received about yourself, how life ‘should’ look, and what events should be feared. Try to be honest with yourself about these ways of understanding the world and where they came from.

5.    Examine, reexamine, challenge, and reality test your fears and dread. I want to be clear, this isn’t trying to think your way out of a devastating loss. But it is acknowledging that sometimes those internalized beliefs we have are exacerbating our feelings of pain and dread is important. If you’ve never known someone with a severe physical disability that you now have, expose yourself to people living with physical disabilities. Now that you’ve understood or decided you won’t have children, if your friends and family all have children it can help to begin expanding your circle to meet other childless individuals. Meeting both those who are childless by choice, and those who wanted children but didn’t have them can help you re-examine and challenge your assumptions about a life without children. If you’ve always feared those with addictions and have not known anyone with an addiction, examine your fears by humanizing addiction. Expose yourself to people who have struggled with substance use or other addictions. Begin with those in recovery and expand to those still battling active addictions.

6.    Reconstruct your identity. With any nonfinite losses, your self-concept is deeply impacted. Who you understood yourself to be in the world or imagined you would be in the world can feel like it no longer aligns with who you are. Spend time connecting with the core pieces of yourself that remain intact. Acknowledge the roles and identities you have lost (or will never have) and those that you have taken on. Consider who you were, who you are, and who you hope to be.

7.    Practice tolerating uncertainty. Easier said than done, I know. But life after loss – no matter what the loss – almost always involves some uncertainty. The degree to which we can tolerate that uncertainty correlates to our overall sense of well-being. Learn some skills for tolerating uncertainty and ambiguity.

8.    Consider the idea of ‘adaptation’ rather than ‘acceptance’. “I will never, ever accept this” is a common refrain from grievers. And we get it. Acceptance is a complicated word, to put it mildly. The idea that one needs to feel acceptance sounds like we’re being asked to consent to this new, dreaded reality. Rather than focusing on acceptance, it can be helpful to focus on adaptation. Bruce and Schultz explain that there may always be moments of rejecting the new reality. People will almost always have fleeting moments of wishing for the life that ‘should’ have been. This can be true years or decades down the road. But we can continue to find the loss ‘unacceptable’, while still trying to actively adapt to our new reality with an openness to hope.

9.    Redefine hope. Like reconstructing identity, redefining hope is a critical component of many non-death losses. Though our inclination can be to fixate on changing the circumstances of the loss and maintaining hope that things will get back on track or go back to “normal”, this is often impossible. It simply reinforces a sense of helplessness. By facing the present moment, you can ask yourself what hope looks like in this new reality. You may need to find many new ways of understanding and measuring hope based on the current reality. How you define hope will continue to change as you and your life continue to change.



Taken from a post by What’s Your Grief - October 2022 (www.whatsyourgrief.com)