Why Aren't I Crying
WHY AREN’T I CRYING?
For some people crying is a natural response to loss but for others this may not be so. Sometimes tears don’t come even though the person will usually cry when something upsetting happens. Our expectations of what grief will be like and how we will respond often doesn’t match the reality of our experience.
A recent article by “What’s Your Grief” indicated that when people find themselves unable to cry when they expect and feel they should, they seem to fall in one of two categories:
1. ‘I’m usually a crier, but can’t cry now’
It can be distressing when your normal reaction is to cry but the tears just won’t come. There is a sense of wanting to cry and yet like a sneeze that won’t come, the tears don’t fall. Sometimes this may reflect feeling nothing or feeling numb.
2. ‘Even though I’m not a crier I expected loss to make me cry, but it didn’t.’
Some people rarely shed tears, and others avoid crying as it makes them feel embarrassed or shameful. Our experience of emotion as children can sometimes make us feel that tears are a sign of weakness, are attention seeking or wrong. But crying is a natural human experience, and we shouldn’t be made to feel it is wrong. People may also be made to feel that if they don’t cry, they are not grieving properly, but there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s okay to cry and it's also okay not to cry if you can’t or don’t want to.
But don’t we need to ‘let it out’ when we are grieving?
While people are often told this is what they should be doing, it is not always the case. Even though crying can have self-soothing benefits, it is only one of many ways that helps to provide avenues of comfort and stress reduction. Other examples are: music, physical and emotional intimacy, massage, bonding with a pet, exercise, meditation, artistic expression.
Interestingly, those who find it difficult to cry may be less likely to receive support because of they appear to be doing ok on the outside – even though on the inside there may be lots going on. It may be necessary to tell people that you need support or alternatively find more formal avenues of support such as a group or counsellor.
Grief is as individual as we are.